By: Kwan Stafford

Have you ever known a woman who never ceased complaining about her significant other? How many times have you asked yourself, “what is she complaining about? Doesn’t she have a good man?” What is a “good man”, you ask? My opinion: a man who is gainfully employed, handsome, faithful, loving man who tries his best to make her happy.

You may know someone on the opposite side of the coin – let’s say, a man, who is constantly harping about all of what is wrong with his woman. Every time you hear him complain, you think, “What is his problem, he has a good woman?”(A “good woman”: a beautiful, strong, independent woman who is willing to make him happy despite his shortcomings).

We all know people like this and it’s a constant conundrum as to why they seem so bitter at times. However, if we take the time to think about this person and their not so distant past, there is a fair chance that we’ll notice one major problem with them: they were not happy before they were in a relationship. That being said, is it really their significant other they are unhappy with or could it be something more?

The simple answer to the question is: Their significant other is not the underlying cause of their unhappiness. It's something more. In fact, the root of their unhappiness is actually something quite simple. The reason why some people can remain unhappy, despite having a seemingly perfect relationship, is simple: that person never learned to be happy with themselves before they developed relationships.They forgot that you must love yourself before anyone else can ever love you the way you deserve.

I’ll admit, it sounds kind of foolish when you first hear this, but let’s just think about it. We all can recall the scene from “Jerry Maguire,” in which a teary-eyed Tom Cruise, in front of a living room full of people, exclaims his love for Renee Zellweger’s character with the classic line “You complete me…”. It is this idea of finding that one person that completes you that I am talking about. Let’s face it: We all want to find our soul mate or whatever you may call it, but in order for that to come about, there is one step we all must take before that person can truly complete you: We must learn how to be happy in our own skin, loving ourselves for who we are and being able to make ourselves happy despite what is going on around us.

A fair amount of people spend their time on a constant search for that one person that will make them happy. Unfortunately, this person does not exist and it is unfair for anyone to place the burden of being someone’s source of happiness on anyone else. When a significant other is faced with having to maintain their own happiness on top of being the source of joy for the person they love, despite being willing to do it, they will become emotionally drained and eventually leave the relationship. As for the unhappy person in the relationship, they will only become more bitter over time and make their mate the scapegoat for their lack of joy.

All in all - we need to be complete, having nothing missing or nothing broken about ourselves, before entering into a relationship. So first things first, any person who is looking forward to jumping into the dating pool must take the time to get to know themselves. Take the time out to know yourself inside and out, primarily knowing what things you like and how you want to be loved. Begin to take an honest account of the things you like and dislike about yourself. Initially, everyone’s list will be primarily consist of things about their appearance, but the challenge is to look much deeper. After all, the measure of a man is based not on his outward appearance but his/her inward integrity. As you go along, taking stock of your personal traits, take the things that you find to be beautiful about yourself and begin to give yourself daily affirmation or praise about these things. By doing this, you’ll inevitably boost your confidence and self worth. Remember: if you don’t find yourself to be valuable, no one else will.

As for the traits that you didn’t find too endearing: Once you look at them objectively, you’ll find that all of them are pretty easy to change. Certain physical traits will probably be the first things that you pinpoint for your list of dislikes, and that is perfectly fine. First of all, we all have certain genetic traits that we don’t too much care for, and that’s normal. For example, while growing up I was extremely self-conscious about my “big” nose. I was constantly teased about that one feature so inevitably I began to resent that feature of my body. While I never considered a nose job I certainly understood those who did. Eventually I came to the realization that my nose is not a bad thing - it is just another part of my body that makes me unique from everyone else. It is this thought process that we all at some point or another need to adopt: that we all were made unique and beautiful in our own way and anything that could possibly be seen as a genetic flaw is just one of the many things that makes us uniquely beautiful.

On the other hand, many of our dislikes can be changed and this is where the honesty comes into play. First of all, you owe it to yourself to take an introspective look and see what these flaws are.The issues will range from things like being overweight to having problems trusting others. Once you have narrowed down what the fixable flaws are, you should take the time to map out how you should fix each individual problem. The very first step to fixing each problem is recognizing the root of the problem. By tearing out the root, you’ll make the actual problem a very easy fix. For example, let’s take a look at a woman who has trust issues with men. No matter how good her man is, she never really is able to trust him completely and ultimately her lack of trust tears away at the relationship.This woman needs to get to the heart of the matter - that her father constantly made promises to her mom and herself that he would never follow through on, thus leaving her constantly hurt and eventually with a wall of distrust for men build around her heart. This wall of distrust, while it will take time to break down, could easily have the corner stone torn out by simply forgiving her father and working through the residual pain of the initial hurt caused. It’s interesting how something that may have taken place when we were children or that may have seemed so insignificant can impact our every outlook on life and the relationships we share. In the end, turning each of the deep seeded hurts and dislikes about yourself into points of strength will only cause you to value your strength and love yourself more intensely in the long run.

Overall the first step to a successful relationship is learning to love ourselves well before we allow someone else to love us. In life, relationships and love have a cycle that we’ll all notice to hold true.

Successful Singles make Successful Couples and Successful Couples make Successful Families!!